Kindness in Practice

“Because that’s what kindness is. It’s not doing something for someone else because they can’t, but because you can.” — Andrew Iskander

In our home we talk a lot about kindness, helping others, compassion, and generosity. I try to model this for my kids, and I try to create opportunities for my kids to practice these things. The reality, however, is that I don't need to teach this to them. Rather, I need to learn it from them.

When children are young they don't just want to help, they relish in it. They love acts of kindness, they love seeing someone smile because of something they did, they seek out opportunities to help and make others happy. Over time this often changes. We train them out of it, we offer them too many negative messages. I know how I often cringe at the idea of my enthusiastic kids "helping" me grocery shop and sweep floors, and unfortunately I often decline the offer as I just want to get it done "right." When our kids want to help others we sometimes deter this as well. We can't help because we are too busy, they are strangers and might be dangerous, we might make their problems worse or offend them--we have many reasons to keep to ourselves. Of course, we absolutely must educate our kids to be careful, to remain safe, to not enable vulnerable people engaging in risky behavior, etc. We to drift too far into the mistrustful, judgmental, unkind, ungenerous, and unhelpful place too often, however. In doing so we often change or even destroy the innately kind, generous, helpful, and joyful spirit our kids are born with. Not only does this make the world a less beautiful place, but it reduces our kids' joy. It also reduces our own joy.

One day as we were driving down a busy street in the city, one we travel frequently, my older daughter commented on a rusted shopping cart that had been lying on the side of the road for a while. I said something like, "Yeah, I can't believe that is still there, I wonder why they haven't cleaned it up yet," and she said, "Why can't we?" It seemed so simple to her, it needed to be cleaned up, so why wouldn't we just do it? As I thought about the errands we had to do and imagined how crazy we would look loading a rusted shopping cart into the back of our minivan, I stumbled over my words for a moment. My husband, thankfully, said, "That's a great idea, and if it is still here when we come back we can do that."

We weren't able to get it done that particular day, but my daughter remembered it and brought it up a day or two later. She was adamant that she wanted to go get it and take it back to the store. So, as we drove back that way later I stopped the car and loaded the cart into the back of my minivan, all the while wondering what the passersby were thinking and laughing to myself about how ridiculous I must have looked.

Then, I went back to get into the car and I saw my daughter. She was sitting in her seat, smiling ear to ear, so excited to be helping, so proud of herself, and so grateful that I had helped her. She got nothing for it, we left the cart in the parking lot at a cart collection area--her idea, she declined going into the store to tell them we brought it back. She didn't even want any recognition, she just wanted to help. That moment was just so worth it, it meant everything, not only to her but also to our relationship. I would do it again a million times--to reinforce her helpful and generous spirit, to build the bond we felt that day, and to experience the joy that we both felt when we were done.

In his books Tattoes on the Heart and Barking to the Choir, Fr. Greg Boyle, a Jesuit priest in Los Angeles who works with some of the hardest gang members in our country, talks about how healing compassion, kindness, and generosity can be, not only to those on the receiving end but also, or even more so, to those actually giving the kindness, compassion, and generosity to others. He talks about how people often ask him something to the effect of how he gets the gang members with whom he works to find/see God. I love his response. He essentially answers that he doesn't lead them to God, but rather they lead him to God. His goal isn't to change them, it is to offer them unconditional love, acceptance and compassion, and to allow them to change him. Whether you are religious or not, this is an absolutely wonderful message, relevant to all of us, and particularly to us as parents. It is not our job to change our kids, it is our job to offer them unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion, and to allow our kids to change us.

I think now about the times others, often strangers, have shown me kindness and the impact it’s had on me. I think about the staffer at the supermarket who handed me a bouquet of flowers as I tried to check out while holding my tantrumming toddler. I think of the yoga instructor who, on a day I was feeling particularly vulnerable, gifted me a beautiful new yoga mat “just because the community here wants you to have it,” and of the older gentleman who randomly high-fived me as I jogged past him one day. These are things I have remembered vividly despite many years passing, because they’ve left such a mark on my heart. They are things that filled my heart, and still do when I think about them. They are memories that inspire me to be more kind.

I also think about the kind things we’ve done for others. I think about when I jumped out of the car in single digit temperatures to help the poor kid struggling with an overflowing bin of garbage, trying to get it to the dumpster outside a restaurant. I think of the homeless man my girls and I befriended, to whom we brought food and care packages every week, until he disappeared from his corner. My kids still ask me to please give some of their snacks to a person on the street with a sign asking for help, every time we see someone, and we often do. These are also things I remember even years later, also because they fill my heart, and because they inspire me to be more kind.

The thing is, kindness breeds kindness. One kind thing leads to another, which leads to another, and so on. We have no idea what we set into motion when we decide to be kind. We can have confidence, though, that our single act of kindness generally does not stop there. It does not remain isolated, but rather cascades, and even gains momentum.

Kindness benefits both the recipient of the kind action, and the one providing the kindness. Both hearts are filled by one simple act of kindness between two people. Everyone touched by kindness benefits. And yet, we so often seem to find it so difficult.

There is all kinds of evidence that practicing kindness, compassion, gratitude and generosity can lead you to become happier and healthier yourself. These acts can change you, change how you interact with the world, how you interact with and parent your kids. These acts can also help our kids practice kindness, compassion, generosity, and gratitude so that they don't lose these qualities and have to relearn them later.

I am learning from the simple acts of kindness others have shown me, and from those I have chosen to show others. It would have been so easy to tell my daughter that no, we weren't going to pick up the shopping cart or that no, we weren't going to help the homeless man on the street corner. I could have sat in my car while the boy struggled with the trash. I could have justified it, at least to myself, in terms of safety, not wanting to enable an assumed problem, being just too busy right now, etc. I didn't, however, and it changed me.

Instead of defaulting to our individualized way of doing things, let’s take on the practice of kindness. Let’s seek out opportunities to demonstrate kindness and generosity, whether it be material or of spirit. Minimally, let’s embrace the opportunities that appear before us and take them. I am learning from my kids, who are some of my best teachers, and they are truly teaching me how to find joy just from simple acts of kindness, helpfulness, and generosity.