Symbolic Sweats

Day 26 of Quarantine for my family. Besides a few escapes for essential food items and daily runs or walks, we have been home. Actually for a thrilling additional adventure, in our town we take our trash to the dump. Dump runs have become a new favorite pastime!

For all of us when crisis or stress arises, we typically go to our “default setting.” What feels most comfortable to you? Where can you feel safest? How do you quickly naturally respond? Typically these “default settings” as I have come to label them, are responses to stress and coping styles that have been developed over years. Many times they are what made us most comfortable as a child. Children have an amazing way of creatively coping to soothe themselves in the midst of a mess. This coping develops patterns of behavioral responses and after years becomes pretty ingrained. We work hard as adults to care for ourselves and try to steer away from those default settings that are unhealthy and unsafe. Many settings are functional and work well but I am always fascinated when something comes up out of nowhere and seems to be one of these ingrained responses from the past.

During this time at home, I have come to realize how reliant I am on routine and structure. It is my default. I was raised by a structured father who loved order in chaos due to his learning disability, his grief and his military background. It was a childhood of safety and order and care and consistency. It worked well for me. Later, I taught preschool, Kindergarten and second grade. I grew to love and appreciate seated children, new markers and a well-ordered cubby area. Believe me, I can create fun and chaos and a wild loud ruckus but when faced with stress and disorder, I choose order!

So when my 18 year old son walked out of his bedroom at 12:30 pm this afternoon in the sweats he had slept in for at least the last two nights, I lost it! “WHAT is your plan today? Anything more than a screen? Do you have a focus? Have you planned a workout? Do you have any actual school work to do? Is anything actually due? Have you even eaten, showered?” (Why ask that question when the answer was so visibly clear?)

Here I was. The default button was clicked on! I was activated. He has seen this in me before and has developed his own coping “default button.” His settings to cope with the stress kicked on with his thoughtful, calm manner in response to my need for order, timeliness and structure.

In his measured, soothed tone he responded, “Mom, we are quarantined due to a pandemic. There is crisis everywhere. Of all the things to focus on, seriously? I have been up for a few hours doing schoolwork. I am working out in a bit and will shower and dress afterwards. We are all OK”

So, bottom line, watch those default settings as we live in close quarters with each other. Some are functional and some can be left behind.

Be safe and well.