Gratitude in the Age of "Social Distancing"

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” - Buddha

Those of you who follow us are well aware that we advocate for and practice daily gratitude. Every morning, I write down at least three things for which I feel grateful, and three things about which I feel excited. Some mornings, it’s quite easy and I’m literally overflowing with things to feel grateful for and excited about. Other mornings, it’s harder and I have to really think about it. Lately, however, I’m finding it near impossible.

I mean, really, even our famous works of art are wearing masks, and most likely socially distancing in even more isolated ways than simply resting behind their thick glass. Even they now find themselves in empty museums, with only virtual visitors admiring them from their couches thousands of miles away.

Grateful? Excited? The questions almost seem offensive at times.

As I sit here listening to my kids fight and scream in their playroom after a rather disorganized and somewhat stressful day of homeschool, I ponder the questions. What am I grateful for? I’m grateful I’m not in prison (yet), I’m grateful my kids are healthy enough to fight and scream at each other (I think), I’m grateful they’re not sitting on top of me right now (definitely), and I’m grateful that I am in another room pretending I don’t hear anything and can remain hidden (for however much longer I have this pleasure).

What am I excited about? I’m excited that I got to take a shower today, that I’m sitting down for the first time all day, that eventually bedtime will come and my kids will fall asleep, and that this whole quarantine thing can’t possibly last forever.

Then I read those last couple of paragraphs and I’m not sure if I should laugh, cry, feel bad that I’m wallowing in self-pity, indulge the mom guilt I feel, or just accept it for what it is. This is just a time when it is hard to feel grateful and hard to find things to feel excited about.

Of course, I am reminded that I actually do have a lot to feel grateful about. Every time I look at social media, which happens far more these days than it used to, I’m reminded that I have a comfortable home, amazing kids to spend the day with even when it feels suffocating, a kitchen that is full enough to ensure we are in no danger of starving, plenty of books and games and activities to do, and enough electronics to keep everyone not only busy but even working and learning things in the process. We also have a wonderful community of people with whom we can video chat, to remind us that we will someday be in the actual company of good friends once again.

Admittedly, however, it is often hard to hold onto these things as things to feel grateful for, let alone excited about, especially when we find ourselves listing the same ones over and over again each day simply because we can’t think of anything else.

When I look hard enough, I can find things to feel grateful about, but I find that I have to be looking throughout the day and reminding myself to notice them when they happen. They’re hidden, and sometimes hidden really effectively. For example, I am grateful that even after a homeschool day that felt like my kids and I did nothing but struggle and argue, my kids hugged me and told me they love me. They both say to me each night as I close their bedroom door, “Goodnight mom, I love you!” They do this every night so it would be easy to miss as something for which to be grateful. Today my older daughter even said she thought I was a good teacher. While I can’t imagine how she could possibly feel that way, I am grateful that she said it—even if it wasn’t true and she only wanted to make me feel better. None of that made the list this morning, but I am aware of it now and might go write it down in my journal before I forget about it.

It’s a bit harder to find things I feel excited about. In a day when it’s unlikely I will leave the house for anything other than walking the dog around the block, which seems to be pushing the outer limits of where we are permitted to go these days and leaves me concerned that a public safety official will stop me and send me home, what is there to be excited about? I get stuck here daily. Excitement about anything right now seems to be an overstatement, so perhaps for now it’s about changing the language. Maybe I will focus on trying to find things I can at least feel satisfied with. A good meal, a shower, finishing some housework that was hanging over my head, getting through the school day relatively unscathed…that kind of thing. Once again, things I can’t find first thing in the morning, but if I pay attention throughout the day, I can savor those brief moments of satisfaction. And then remember to write them down before I forget they happened at all.

I’m reminded of the importance of actually attending to gratitude throughout the day as I sit here typing. I am sitting in between my two daughters, who each earned a bit of ABC Mouse for getting through the homeschool day relatively cooperatively. Look! Something to feel grateful for, they are both occupied and I have some time to work! As I’m typing away, my older daughter decided to check her virtual aquarium and exclaimed, laughing, “Oh my gosh, look! There are 3 pukes in my fish tank!” Apparently, it’s been a while since she cleaned her little electronic fish tank. My younger daughter and I both looked over at the 3 patches of green nastiness in her tank and laughed. I am now aware that I do, in fact, feel grateful for that little bit of electronic fish puke, or at least for my daughter’s response to it and the humor it generated.

Now that’s two totally unexpected little bits of gratitude in a timespan of about 5 minutes. Miracle!

So perhaps the task of practicing gratitude, and even excitement (or at least satisfaction) during this period of time is adjusting the practice a bit. Rather than focusing on a set time to sit down and search for a few things to feel grateful about, try bringing some awareness into the entire day and pausing for a moment to acknowledge at least a few moments when you smile, feel loved, feel connected or supported, or whatever else. Maybe find a moment to jot them down. And then at the end of the day review them and see how many you were able to come up with. You might surprise yourself. This morning I had nothing—big goose egg. Right now after writing this blog I have like 10.

As the Buddha suggests in his quote, there are some really basic things we can feel grateful about, things we may not even think about. Did I learn something today? I like this one, there is much to learn in each day, particularly now. What did I learn about myself, about my kids, about my spouse/partner or other family member? About the world? About our interconnectedness as humans, about the ability of people to demonstrate kindness and/or help others? Maybe you learned something you didn’t like, but at least you learned something. Feel your brain growing and allow yourself a moment of appreciation for knowledge.

If I can’t think of anything that I learned, did I at least remain healthy for yet another day? If so, appreciate that because the number of people who cannot say that grows exponentially every day. If not, was I able to get through the day alive, and can I find some gratitude in that? Once again, find the appreciation in that, because we are in a period of time when too many people cannot experience that gratitude.

There are times when simply having a day is something to feel grateful for, and excited about. Let’s not forget that, particularly when so many of us actually have so much more than just that to appreciate.