In this parenting adventure there are times, actually weeks and sometimes even years, when it is hard to see the headway you are making as a parent. Is your guidance and direction and constant nurturing even helping? Is your child even understanding or accepting your guidance? Growth and development with us all is no science. It happens sometimes in imperceptible stages. A 4 year old child could “plateau” in a painful whining stage. It is so hard to see this as temporary, but it is. Sometimes after this stage another lovely bit will take its place. We then tend to miss the whining! As parents we are acutely aware of our children moving through stages but we can get lost in the trees and not see the forest of their development. Recently I saw a glimpse of “the forest” of my 17 year old. 

We have been on the college visiting circuit. I have found this adventure to be a great connecting time for me and my child - full of conversation with a focus on what he is interested in and wants. For the last 17 years, we have made so many decisions for him. From big ones, “here is how we treat others in this world” to tiny ones, “use this shampoo.” It is fascinating for me to see how he has taken parts of all that we have offered (rejected some!...as he should) and formed bits into himself. He has worked hard to discover who he is in the midst of his parents guidance and care, but too often, in the midst of our noise and distractions. In spite of everything, and due to primarily who he is as a person, even as we interfere with his development, he’s a pretty good kid. 

In the pouring rain last spring we pulled up to a college admissions office. It was our first visit. I hadn’t been on a college tour in 37 years and really hadn’t thought too much about the whole process nor had I even slightly thought or talked this through with my child. As usual, I was running late and there wasn’t time for both of us to park and walk in together. I screeched up to the front of the building on the busy street where I could barely safely stop. My son looked at me and said, “I got this, Mom. Go park. I am sure there is someone in there who can help.” He confidently hopped out of the car. It is in that moment I saw the forest. All those little trees of lessons and stages and bits faded and became one. An inquisitive, rooted and bright child who was fine to be tolerating his mother’s inadequacies and carving out space for himself in the midst of my chaos.

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