Gratitude, Grief and Guilt

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well. Jack Kornfield

Since lock down began in mid-March, gratitude, grief, and guilt are my three primary emotions. The pandemic trifecta. Every morning I feel tremendous gratitude as soon as I know that my immediate and extended family are healthy and not exhibiting any symptoms. This feeling typically lasts a few minutes before turning to grief after I scroll through my news feed and learn that thousands more have died from Covid-19. I then think about my healthy family and the fact that my husband and I are still gainfully employed, and I feel some variation of survivor’s guilt. This trifecta rolls and ebbs and flows through me all day.

My son recently graduated from high school and I’m so grateful for the connections he’s made, the growth he’s experienced and the future (post-Covid) that he has to look forward to. The sloshing emotions continue as this quickly turns to grief. I watch the awkward 6-foot spaced conversation he has with friends in the driveway and think about the fact that he might be experiencing freshman year of college on Zoom meetings in his bedroom at home. 

The waves continue as I listen to phone calls from the my father and father-in-law who were both born in 1931. I am so grateful they continue to be healthy and independent, but in the past 4 months neither has been able to live life fully. I grieve that I cannot visit them, but I am grateful they’re still alive after so many of their peers have fallen to the pandemic. 

I never thought that this gratitude, grief and guilt would become the essence of my daily life. I am trying to come to terms with these conflicting emotions and practice acceptance without getting attached. These are temporary as they are just feelings. They roll in and out like the consistency of tides and waves. They just are. I am learning that it’s OK to be grateful for what I have and to grieve what others have lost. And I am learning to not get attached to the guilt I feel. It hasn’t been easy and I often fail, but I continue to try. And maybe that is all that we can do to stay healthy and sane till we make it to the other side of this pandemic.