A Deposit in the "No" Bank

I used to have a hard time saying NO when it seemed like the kids were having fun. They’d be giggling and jumping on the couch or running through the house or chasing the cat or playing with something that was simply a bit loud and repetitive. I wanted to “let it go.” It was easier to just do that. Who ever wants to be the ”fun stopper” anyways? It is much harder work to say, “no!” But because I am usually overtired and therefore can be sensitive to sound, I usually stopped the game and put an end to the fun. Sometimes when I was feeling more gracious, I attempted to re-direct the fun to a safer and more tolerable (for me!) way of playing. Eventually our kids got the hint pretty quickly. A good glance, maybe with a slice of funny exasperation did the trick. Things would settle down and the kids began to be their own self monitors.

As time has gone on and my kids are adolescents I can see all those no’s are like a deposit in the “no” bank. When our kids have difficulty with the self-monitoring, I can start to withdraw those initial “no’s.” These days of adolescent decision-making when things seem to be more critical than the couch cushions or the bothered cat, our kids need to make clearer headed decisions and rely more critically on their own thinking or accept a well-meaning adult’s advice. Now those no’s seem to carry more weight and they matter. “No, you can’t get in her car after the party.” “No, you can’t have friends here when there are no adults home.” “No, no, no….” It is not a punitive suggestion or a controlling one.  We, as parents and as the adults who love and care for our children are helping them learn and set a limit around safety. It is the same “no” that they heard 15 years ago. They have grown to not resent it but to trust and understand it. Over time they can incorporate some of our limits into their own beliefs and values. So use the “no” for jumping on the couch. Don’t let it go. You might have to withdraw it from the “no-bank” later.