Learning is Lifelong Practice

“Sometimes we get too angry with ourselves thinking we ought to be perfect from the word go. But this being on earth is a time for us to learn to be good, to learn to be more loving, to learn to be more compassionate. And you learn, not theoretically. You learn when something tests you. Hello, you said you wanted to be more compassionate. Hello, you said you wanted to be a little more laid back.”— Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Particularly during this period of history we want things immediately. We have a hard time accepting that we can’t just do what we want to do, be who we want to be, exactly when we decide we want it.

How often do we feel impatient with ourselves for not somehow being better? For me it’s all the time. I strive to be a better parent only to fall short of the lofty goals I set for myself. This happens particularly when my kids and I begin to struggle, and I react mindlessly with some knee-jerk reaction I later regret. I strive to be better in my relationships only to revert to a old pattern when a struggle emerges. Or I enter the struggle of procrastination rather than just doing something I know needs to be done, and I then experience some consequence.

We expect ourselves to just be at a place of “better” without going through a struggle or having to actually learn how to be "better". We expect ourselves to arrive at a “better” place where the struggles finally stop, leaving us at “better” forever. Maybe if we just decide to be "better", or read the right book, or take the right course we will be “better.” We should just be able to achieve that simply because we set our minds to it, right?

Unfortunately, no, that isn’t the way it works. As Archbishop Tutu point out, it's not something we learn theoretically, its something we learn through doing, through tests. We have countless ways of saying it "God give us what we can handle," "The universe sends us what we need," "We can't always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, we get what we need." That last one is my favorite.

The lessons we want to learn are exactly that, lessons, and they are learned through lifelong practice. The people we all admire for being “better”—Ghandi, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela, Father Greg Boyle, even the Buddha and Jesus—none of these people were born better. None of these people just decided, or read a book, or took a course and ended up better.

All of these people set about becoming “better” through lifelong struggle. Each learned to deal effectively with adversity. Each maintained his/her own wholeness because he/she willingly entered a struggle with his/her own demons and with external ones. Each practices awareness, compassion, gratitude, loving kindness, selflessness, nonjudgment, etc., on a daily basis. All of these people practiced these things for years, consistently. And all of these people, even those who live only through us, understand the need for continued practice so that they, too, can be humanly flawed, embrace their struggle as opportunity to practice, and practice consistently to be “better.”

There is much to learn here. Each one of these individuals would tell us they are no different from us, that they, too, are human. That we all share our human flaws. Each of these individuals would tell us that we can also pursue what they have chosen to pursue, and obtain similar benefits. And each of these individuals would tell us that this is a lifelong process, and that each of our struggles is nothing more than the hands-on learning we want and need so that we can become the “better” we seek to be.

We tend to try to avoid or escape our struggles, but let’s try to see them as something else. Let us rather trust our struggles as opportunities to learn and to grow. Let us accept them and use them to practice new skills, and turn them into habits. This is the lifelong, hands-on learning that Archbishop Tutu refers to.

Let us also be kind to ourselves when we miss the opportunity, because we will. We are human. We can let it go knowing there will soon be other opportunities. Let us be patient with ourselves and our evolution, allowing the time we need throughout our lives to learn.

As Archbishop Tutu states, "...being on this earth is a time to learn..." If we are on this earth for 80 years, that is 80 years of learning. It simply doesn't happen in a second.