In Search of My Inner Calm Parent

I've been a psychologist for over 20 years, and a parent for almost 8. So for more than a decade I learned a lot about good parenting before I had my own kids. I can almost hear some of you thinking, "Wow, she must be a really good mom!", because more than one mom or dad has said that to me in person. Depending on how well I know the person I typically respond somewhere between chuckling and making a self-deprecating joke about psychologists being the craziest of us all, to laughing out loud like "Yeah, if only!"

I'm a pretty average parent. I have good and bad moments, sometimes I get it right and others I get it horribly wrong. Some nights I go to bed feeling like I rocked it and others I fall asleep silently promising my kids that I will do better tomorrow.

Training and working as a psychologist has prepared at least part of my brain quite effectively for the whole parenting thing. I can certainly teach it, and write about it. There was a time that I even believed that the educated part of my brain would be in charge and I'd actually BE that calm, serene, fantasy momma. You know the one, she's always smiling and offering comforting and encouraging words to her children, she redirects them with warmth and love and never has to punish them because she's just so good at keeping her cool that her kids just LET her be in charge. That was my imaginary me. Of course, as you already know, then I had kids...and surprise! That fantasy got blown right out of the water.

Here's the problem. I may have been educated and trained to be that calm, warm, unconditionally accepting professional, but that simply isn't who shows up consistently during a difficult parenting moment. Just like many--dare I say most--of you, the parent that shows up in those moments is pretty immature, she is defaulting to all kinds of habits and knee-jerk reactions that were learned over a very long period of time. Those knee-jerk reactions are based primarily in fear and shame, similar to the fear and shame tactics our own parents used with us.

We have evolved as a society to a place where it, thankfully, is no longer ok or even legal to beat your kids. Even spanking is frowned upon, and I believe with every fiber of my being that physical punishment is not only harmful but also simply not effective, at least not in terms of raising a truly emotionally healthy person. So I have managed to restrain myself enough to never hit my kids, but I certainly have yelled, threatened them with "consequences" (disguised punishments), used intimidating postures and facial expressions, and resorted to other forms of subtle emotional manipulation during times when I haven't been at my best.

Here is where the whole psychologist thing gets really fun...while it hasn't really helped me control my emotional reactions enough for me to consistently feel like a good parent, it certainly has helped me be extremely aware of how my moments of failure might risk damaging my kids' emotional health.

So in my effort to avoid spending large sums of money on the future therapy for my two little girls, I've explored all kinds of parenting books and programs. I'm sure you already know, there are some extremely effective strategies and techniques available. They leave you feeling not only like a rock star parent, but also like a healthy and evolved, really good human, even after just reading about them. What's not to love about that? Well, if you are anything like me, during those moments when you just aren't at your best, you're lucky if you can even remember one of those strategies let alone actually use it effectively. The knee-jerk, emotionally-reactive habit surfaces in spite of your knowledge and your efforts to do it "right," and you resort to one of your less healthy and less effective methods. And then on top of feeling horrible because you just yelled or (insert knee-jerk reaction here) at your kids, you now also feel like a failure because you did not successfully use your new strategy.

So here we are, in search of the zen parent we know lies somewhere deep inside of us and is just begging to become the new default, the new habit, the new most-of-the-time parent. How do we do that? Answering that question in a way that is accessible and manageable for us "average" parents is what we’ve set out to do. We bring the mindful, conscious, aware, "zen" training that exists out there together with all of the wonderfully effective and healthy parenting theories and practices now available to us, so that we can actually stay more calm and centered more often and use the practices and parent smarter.

It's a process, one I’ve now been very actively pursuing for long enough to have at least found my "zen" momma. I know she exists, I see her often, and lose her often as well. But she is there and I am working away at making sure she is the momma my kids truly get to know over time.

Join us at Roots First while we plant new seeds and cultivate the ones that are already there, to grow and develop our system of roots from which we can rise up and be the best parents we can be.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." --Unknown