The New and Improved Golden Rule

The most familiar version of the Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  

We have a constant talk track dialogue running in our heads at all times. This type of narration frequently organizes our behavior. Some of us talk to ourselves out loud, others mutter under their breath and those very evolved types can manage using their “inside voice” which cannot be heard. We say things that organize our movements and behavior. “Where did I leave my keys? I think I drove yesterday. Hmm, let me see…kitchen counter? jacket pocket?” Or we tend to talk to ourselves when we are doing a multi-step complicated task. For me this involves the talk track sounding like, “Ok, Phoebe, you got this. Select all and now open a new sheet and paste the cells and then rename the spreadsheet.'“ Technology: my love/hate!

All this narration is to organize us but too often what truly goes around and around in the brain is negative speak. We talk to ourselves in our most critical tone: a negative old voice of a berating parent, a sixth grade bully, a domineering grandparent, a critical boss. Mean words! Nothing helpful or positive or uplifting. “Get this done!” “Why am I slow at this?” “Am I dumb?” “I look awful.” “I lose everything!” On and on. It is work to complement ourselves. We often treat others much better than we treat ourselves. We would not be so critical, hard, angry and mean to others, if for no other reason than because if we did they wouldn’t like us very much. Irony.

Working to change this inner talk tract is complicated but important work. How can we possibly like ourselves if we are so hard on ourselves? And if we don’t like ourselves, if we don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, how can we truly have good relationships with others? Self love is a challenge but so necessary, because it all starts with how we interact with and feel about ourselves. Every interaction we have with every other person starts with us.

We tend to look outside ourselves for our validation and love. As children we looked toward our parents and caregivers, who love(d) us, but who most likely were parenting with the wisdom of the times and through the lens of their own baggage. Much as we are, by the way. As we grow up we look toward our teachers, our peers, society, cultural norms, and a myriad of other external messages. Many of these external messages, unfortunately, tell us that we aren’t enough—we aren’t attractive enough, we aren’t wealthy enough, we aren’t successful enough, we aren’t lovable enough. It’s no wonder, then, that our internal voice is so negative so often. We truly aren’t born with it, we learn it from the outside.

What if we told you that all of those negative external and internal voices were, and are, lying to you? Yes, even the negative voices of your loving parents and caretakers, and even the negative one you use on yourself? All those voices were laden with their own baggage and voiced through their own lenses. Most of the negative messages you’ve been told about you, by people emotionally connected to you, has been the result of someone else’s wounded ego. Even if they have a valid point, the source of their feedback is their own wounded self.

This is a lot to take in, in some ways, because it confronts our own ego’s baggage. All of our defensiveness, our righteousness, our blame of others is not only the result of other people’s egos, but also of the one we’ve developed. As much as we like to point fingers at others, if we truly want to evolve, we must at least to ourselves acknowledge our own ego and the impact it has on our lives. It’s also a lot, however, because of the responsibility it bring us. We have a choice to make…blame those others who have lead us here, or let them off the hook with the knowledge that they didn’t really know any better, and take responsibility for “fixing” the problem ourselves.

So how do we do that? How do we fix the problem? We step outside of our “ego” and the expectations we put on ourselves, and others, and we begin the work of true self love.

There are many ways to practice formally. Daily affirmations can help us train our brains to think more positively about ourselves. There is evidence that the practice of daily affirmation will actually change our brains in such a way that new pathways are created and/or strengthened to promote greater positivity and self-love. The practices of self-compassion and self-forgiveness can help us let go of some of angst and feel more compassionate and forgiving of ourselves, as well as others. The practice of mindfulness allows us to become aware of our thoughts, and therefore of our negative thoughts, allowing us to either observe them and let them go or actually shift them to something more positive. Loving-kindness meditations can generate positive feelings and greater love toward the self. All of these practices, over time, can help us override our very ingrained tendency to be hard on ourselves.

Throughout our day we can also work to retrain our inner critic to be more compassionate, forgiving, and loving. This takes a little awareness and effort, but it is well worth it. Today let’s give it a try. Put in the effort to be present and aware with your thoughts throughout the day. Observe when you have a negative thought about yourself. Say it aloud. Why does it sound like? Can you recognize anyone from your past or current life? If so, name the critic and remind yourself that person acted from their own place of suffering. Forgive that person for hurting you, with the knowledge that s/he was only acting out what had been done to him/her. Then remind yourself that even if there is some truth to the message, as a person and in your essence you are worthy, you are enough, you matter, you are loved and supported, and you are just fine the way you are.

Perhaps our new “Golden Rule” might be “Do unto ourselves as you would have others do unto you.” In other words, let’s treat ourselves how we want others to treat us.